Thesis and Something Happened to My Heart

Here I am, 10:42 PM, sitting in front of computer’s library contemplating whether I should open the email from my thesis supervisor or not.

I have this strange feeling in my chest everytime I think about my thesis. You know, it’s like the feeling like when you send a risky text to someone and then they reply and you just don’t want to open it. You just keep on postponing until someone comforts you and encourage you to open it. Or, until the next day when the feeling has fading away.

But this feeling I have for my thesis won’t go away. In fact, it gets stronger. I don’t know the actual reason for this. I really want to talk to someone but I can’t even explain what exactly my problem is.

Well, adzkia, maybe you can do what you usually do: Write down every thoughts in your head, and let cantikia find the solution for you. Ok.. so here they are.

  1. Adzkia: I’m afraid that I don’t have enough knowledge to do my thesis, especially in biology. I’ve been taking classes that include hardcore biology but I still feel I miss many links in my head. Cantikia: Baby listen, your thesis is developing an algorithm why you even bother thinking about biology? Don’t let your insecurity eat you up. Stop making excuses! You are good enough. You have every resource you need. You just have to believe that you are capable.
  2. Adzkia: I have to code in java. I have no experience in it. Cantikia: Let me tell you this magic thing called internet. Yes, the thing that help you as an “fbi investigator”. Think about it, you can find someone’s fb page even when you don’t know their name, and you only know their face. Yor kepo is at FBI level,  utilize that for something important like your thesis. With a combination of your “curiosity” and the internet sorcery, you can do anything. LEARN JAVA!
  3. Adzkia: I am afraid of my supervisor and it’s completely unreasonable because he is so friendly and helpful but I don’t know, I feel intimidated. The reason I study abroad is to broaden my network so I can establish international research colaboration, that kind of sprinkle. But I just realize that I’m stupid. I don’t know how to talk to people.  Cantikia: Stupid is a strong word but it’s normal for you to think like that. You should realize, you are here to learn, not to show off or whatever. You meet your supervisor to learn something from him. You are already naked. If you don’t understand something, then ask. He already told you that, yes, you will do an independent research. But, you can always ask.
  4. Adzkia: My english writing skill suuuuckx. Cantikia: I will gladly help you to slap yourself because you are such an unthankful spoiled domesticated castrated cat. You have a brain. Skill doesn’t just fall from heaven to you. YOU develop your skill. Even a math prodigy they still read a math book. Believe me adzkia, all you need is LEARNING. Read a lot. If it doesn’t work, I mean after spending a whole lot times reading paper and practicing you still don’t improve, chill, you will follow scientific writing skill course right? And even though you’re not supposed to take that course since you also follow another course at the same time, the lecture schedules are magically doesn’t overlap. You know why? Because the universe is having a conspiration to help you. YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN.
  5. Adzkia: I’m afraid my research is hard to implement and it will eventually become useless. Cantikia: pfft… You see your undergraduate thesis? Was it hard? Admit it, even until now you are not completely sure about the differential equation thingy that you wrote right? And was it useful? Was it actually get implemented? Well, it could be. You chose that topic because you know that was a part of a big sustainable projects of your supervisor, but you don’t know for sure. Maybe the output of your algorithm sucks so bad that they dont use it in their final application. But that doesnt mean what you did is not useful. You eliminate bad algorithm from that application, you prove that algo doesn’t work. And THAT is the whole point of sustainable research.
  6. Cantikia: Last words from me, remember you wrote exactly the same thing before you chose the topics for your undergraduate thesis? You had long arguments with your own self. At the end of the day you know that your decision wasn’t probably the best. By the time you graduated you realized you should have taken bioinformatics topic since it’s the subject that you had been always interested in and it could’ve made your way to graduate school easier. But being a bad ass woman you are, you went to bioinformatics group in your university, and yeah even you were no longer a student there, you believe there is never too late to become what you always want to be, so your passion thicken your skin. Then here you are, you made it to bioinformatics graduate school. It is something that you can take for granted. Use this rare opportunity to gain as many knowledge, skill, connection as you can. Love you.

Sometime I feel I can only write something useful and inspiring in my blog (instead of mumbling about my problem) but you know what? I’m as clueless as you. I’m just a scared little puppy. So there I presented you my friend to inspire you, cantikia. She is actually me, but she has a more cantik personality. She is fearless, logical and wise. She only tells the truth. I sound like a crazy person but I think everyone should get one friend like her. Haha

This is Adzkia:

Adzkia
She seems overly confident to cover up the fact that she’s actually scared

And this is cantikia:

Potone Adzkia Salima.
She got her life figured out, the kind of person I aspire to be

Well, it’s 11:50 and library will be closed shortly. So, I’ll see you around next time.

===========================================================================

Hi, I continue to write this in the morning because I still have a story worth telling. wkwk. Ted talk kali.

So, after I went home, I text my sister, fafa, via facebook. She is the most understanding person in the world. Our conversation went like this:

A: Do you know the song cowaa sumio toketenabwa? That song is so me right now.

F: Yeah

A: Really?? I’m not even sure that’s the correct words.

F: wkwk. Yeah, gaseumi (my heart) eotteoke (what is it supposed to do?).

 

Then I look it up and that is indeed the correct lyrics.

What I hear: chowaa sumio toketenabwa

The actual lyrics:

Capture

That was totally different words but she knew it. Oh mijn God she can read my mind.

And then I told her about my problem. Her psychic mind strike again. She told me that she understand my problem so well. I was like how is that possible? I dont even understand it myself. She told me that it was actually not a fear that I was encountering. It’s a laziness. Because she also felt that when she was in Philippines. She had to write a paper with a more strict standard, she was scared, she procrastinated until last minute and bum.. she got a bad score. If she could turn back time she would have done it earlier, and not being lazy.

I could totally relate to her story. Indeed I have to fight the bad feeling (ea, another bbf song). I had to open that lovely-sweety-honey email and probably start to study the subject. My heart figuratively wanted to explode when I finally open the email and start to read the papers.

I know it’s early, I mean, everyone is still studying for their exam or if they are already finished their exam, they are probably in Italy or Germany right now, recovering from exam. My thesis officially will start on  next monday and I still have like 5 days to relax. But it’s just me as a person. The earlier the better. If I’m gonna fail, I’d like to fail fast and just move on quickly.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s