Low self esteem

I just watched a youtube video titled “ugly and confident” and it was pretty interesting. The girl was sick of pretty people in youtube telling others to be confident by changing their mindset to see the beauty within. She thinks pretty people doesn’t know how ugly people feel and we can’t deny that there is indeed a beauty standard in our world and it affects people’s judgement. So, her main take was to just be confident because it doesn’t take anything to be confident. Be ugly happily and be confident!

For me that seems empowering and I wish I could be just confident and going out there but it’s not as easy as it sounds. Lately I’ve been feeling not confident, not because of my look, but because of just… my existance in general. I feel like, I’m a boring person, I don’t deserve to be in my position right now, I can’t make a right decision etc. I’ve been avoiding any social occasion because my anxiety level is through the roof. I was thinking, maybe I’m not actually an introvert. Maybe I just have a low self esteem.

It all started when I first arrived in the Netherlands. I was so excited to finally learn a new culture and hopefully make some friends. But I unexpectedly got a communication problem. Dutch people don’t understand my English. Yes, they keep asking me “I’m sorry?” So, it went downhill from that. It made me speak very quietly, and almost like whispering.

And tradadada.. life happened until it reached the peak when I did my thesis. I cried three times when I was doing that. One time, I cried in front of my supervisor and the phd helper. The thesis project itself was not hard. But communicating my thought was extremely challenging. I couldn’t even form a complete sentence when I’m nervous. I felt humiliated and stupid.

I remember I was hesitating so much when I about to ask my supervisor to write me a reference letter for an internship. I just felt worthless. I told my friend about it and how I was procastinating so bad to send the email request. And then she said something hilarious:

“Supervisor lo juga ga akan nulis: si adzkia udah jore ngga bisa apa-apa lagi.”

It means ugly and good for nothing, but it sounds funnier in Indonesian. I laughed so hard because that’s what I exactly felt.

But I believe this all only happen in our head. I mean I kinda know that I’m not that dumb. Sometime I might be absent minded but yeah when I’m in a good situation, I can be pretty smart.

And maybe.. just maybe… we all have this inferiority complex no matter how good we are.

One example is this girl in Asia’s next top model. She’s the first one to be eliminated because she kept on doubting herself. She said “I don’t know why I’m here. I’m the shortest one and all the girls are very pretty, I can’t compete them.” Ok, well… it’s true that her competitiors are really pretty. Her cycle is the one with the highest number of contestant with caucasian feature. So I get why she felt that way. However… look at her…

If I get to choose my own face, I would definitely choose her face. For me, she has no excuse to be not confidennt.

Yet, again being confident and have a self esteem is hard. Because it comes from within. However there is an opinion that said “There is no self esteem” and it was made by some republicans in PragerU. It stated that self esteem is a weird concept because you should be proud of who you are eventhough you didn’t do anything. That is why teenager are strugling with having a low self esteem. Because it is a toxic concept. However we all should be a confident person. Because confidence is earned. You will feel confident because you achieve something that you are proud of.

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